The following review of horror film The Witch was written for Culture Creature by Beefcake the Mighty of GWAR. SPOILER ALERT: the following contains pretty much an entire movie synopsis so don’t read it if you haven’t see the movie or if you are offended by strong language.
Beefcake the Mighty of GWAR here! Yes, that’s right! Your very own Lords and Masters have stooped to a new low to converse with you human scum once again. Culture Creature has requested that I give a review of the new horror flick The Witch. I didn’t want to, but they paid me an enormous amount of money to, so I guess I’ll do it. At least they said it was money. How do you spend bitcoin anyway? Will crack dealers accept it on the street corners of your slimy ghettos and trailer parks? I sure hope so, because I’m really jonesing.
Being the punctual super being that I am, I was exactly on time to the theater’s concession stand where I got lots of candy and soda and a popcorn bucket that could hold an entire human head. I immediately dumped out the popcorn and added a human head, of course. I was completely late to the movie. I missed the beginning, but I gather it had something to do with church people in olden days being pussies and kicking some pioneer family out of town for not being pious enough to some wimpy god dude that couldn’t even NOT DIE. Ughh.
So these pioneers go forth into the wilderness to live off the land or something. Or to worship Satan. I think both. The daughter immediately loses the family’s new baby by pissing it off so much with a stupid peekaboo game that it rolls into the forest right into the arms of a nice witch. The witch is awesomely disgusting and old and gave me an enormous hard-on. She kindly takes the baby and places it in a mortar and pestle and grinds it up into lotion. Boy, who hasn’t been there before, right?
Of course the pioneer mom is all “where’s my baby?!” And praying or whatever. And now she hates the daughter. Good. Cuz I hate the daughter too. I really hate the whole family. I can’t understand a word they are saying, in their old-timey talk. Thee and thou and Jesus and blah blah.
They have a brother and the stupid daughter leads him off to the witch, too. But this time the witch is less desirable. She’s young and has perky cleavage, and no flappy wrinkles or anywhere to stick stuff. Yuk. So now the mother hates the daughter even more.
There is also a couple of twin pioneer kids who are cool and talk to an old black goat. They hate the sister too.
The brother eventually comes back naked and speaking in tongues, but then he gets all preachy and dies. Then the twins call the sister a witch and she says “no way! You assholes are witches!” And then the dad gets all pissed off and locks them in the shed with the goats. Then the mother wakes up in the middle of the night and gets a raven to chomp on her nipples.
Also, in the middle of the night, the old hot witch comes into the shed and starts making out with the goat’s titties. Then in the morning the twins are gone and all the goats are dead except the cool black goat.
The pioneer dad freaks out and yells at the goat and the goat impales him to death with his horns. Then the pioneer mom is all upset again and blames the daughter and tries to strangle her. Then the daughter finally gets cool and whacks mom in the head a few good times with a cleaver. Now almost all these jerks are dead.
The daughter, having nothing better to do, talks to the goat. The goat then turns into Satan, which “duh” it’s a black goat… for future reference, black goats are always Satan. He makes her get naked and sign some dumb book. Then she hops nude into the woods to float in the air with some naked witches who now have twin lotion. The end.
This movie was dumb, but the baby jelly did pique my interest. I’ve tried many different brands, but this one really seemed to have a rustic, organic, artisan quality that I really admire. I wonder if they will merchandise this at my local Whole Foods? I hope so.
I’d give this movie two dead babies.