Ten Things That Would Have Made a More Exciting Super Bowl Halftime Show than Coldplay

coldplay live

Coldplay is the musical equivalent of an artisanal scented candle. Tonight, they will perform during the Super Bowl halftime show. Frontman Chris Martin will waft onto the stage like an inoffensive breeze, tickle the ivories for a wee bit, and make aunts swoon across the nation. But this is America. For those of us who like our football served with a side of adrenaline and frosty beer, a Coldplay performance sounds about as exciting as listening to paint dry.

Here are ten things that would make a more exciting Super Bowl halftime show than Coldplay.

This Matching Set of Bath Towels

bath towels

Like Coldplay’s music, this bath towel set was designed for maximum softness. However this nice purple color is more entertaining to look at than Coldplay’s live show.

A Mysterious Burlap Sack

burlap sack

Imagine this mysterious burlap sack sitting motionless onstage during the Super Bowl halftime show. Just think of the riveting mood of intrigue – what’s inside that mysterious burlap sack??? Does it contain groceries, a sleeping animal, another burlap sack?

I don’t even care what’s in that curious sack, as long as it’s not Chris Martin of Coldplay.

A Probiscis Monkey

probiscis monkey

I would rather listen to this cool monkey make grunting sounds than listen to Coldplay’s hit ‘A Sky Full of Stars.’

The Movie ‘Kangaroo Jack’

kangaroo jack

This movie isn’t very good, but they should just have a screening of it during halftime because Coldplay sucks.

A Guy in an Austin Powers Halloween Costume

austin powers halloween costume

Hahaha this guy looks like he’s having so much fun! He’d be all like, “YEAAAAHHH BABYYYY!!!”

A Blaring Fog Horn


The sound of this foghorn might be extremely irritating, but at least it would keep you awake for the duration of the 2016 Super Bowl halftime show.

A Can of Lentil Soup

lentil soup

This bowl of lentil soup has a profoundly deeper sense of drama and urgency than Coldplay’s smash hit ‘Yellow.’

Actor Skeet Ulrich

skeet ulrich

You might remember Skeet Ulrich for his role as Billy Loomis in Scream. Or you might not. Regardless, I think I could probably tolerate watching him read his IMDB page onstage for a half hour.

A Wooden Clothing Pin

clothing pin

Someone could pinch themselves with this thing, so at least there’s a sense of danger.

A Single Cricket


Listening to the chirp of a single cricket wouldn’t be very exciting, but at least it wouldn’t give you an overwhelming urge to jam burning shards of kindling into your ears.

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